Monday, December 17, 2007

and the sign says...

it's always a little too easy to take a shot at my jumbo-sized company. everyone knows that when an organization gets really big, dumb things happen on a pretty routine basis. the overwhelming mediocrity of most people drown out most of the best efforts of the well-intentioned, striving few and what you end up with is either just so-so. or occasionally, pretty damn funny if you keep an open mind.

i snapped the foto to the right during a meeting recently in the *finance* department level. while you might consider this a call-to-arms to embrace the culture of security required to create market-leading protection products, it might also mean...

a) "adopt the incarcerated way of life"-- ah yes! rock on prison-style finance team! i could of swore i saw the accounting team playing dominoes for cigarettes on my way to my next meeting.

b) "interweave thyself in harmonious union, like links of a joined chain" -- i don't recommend this at all. not only does it make company picnics uncomfortable, someone will poke an eye out before too long. and that's to say nothing of the HR implications of this ill-fated encouragement. i recommend the following strategy: "distance thyself with well-timed aloofness". not only will this free you from an possible social entanglement, people will assume you're smarter than what you are. this simple tactic has worked for *ages*, but can be instantly negated by things like fanny packs and wearing pants to short to cover up your leg hair.

c) "go ahead, chain yourself up. and when you're done, help your neighbor" -- this is sort of the obvious one. yikes. heard what they found in britney's secret room in her house? double yikes. even though she's kinda fat and tarnished, i'd still rather think of her in her naughty place than struggle with the thoughts of the finance department engaged in some act of sado-masochism. think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts...

alright now onto the just plain funny. we have this goofy checkpoint in our new office where you have to scan your badge before you walk up the stairs. there's no door, no barrier to get past, just an invisible "fence" of sorts that makes a low-pitch ambulance sound if you blow past it without paying your proper respects by swiping your badge. in order to better enforce this, they have stationed a security guard nearby during the day who scurries over to collar offending employees if they don't swipe. sooooooooooooo.... in light of all this silliness, someone broke it down vanilla-ice style on the poster board, calling out that you should not only stop, but also collaborate and listen before you pass the checkpoint. nice! in respects to the man who "flow(s) like a harpoon daily and nightly", i offer you the rest of the verse and salute the person who smacked the star on the sign.
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop? Yo - I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.

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