Friday, July 25, 2008


this past tuesday morning while i was hopping on my bike to go to the gym, i noticed something in the corner of the garage by the door. it looked like a big black dot suspended b/w the floor and a box. strolling over i saw the image to the right: a huge spider had taken up residence in the garage. looking a little closer, it had an ominous red splotch on its belly. summoning all my discovery channel wisdom i quickly surmised this was the dreaded black widow i had always heard was pretty common here in socal.

i hate spiders. yes, i realize they play an essential role in the circle of life and all that crap, but they're hideous, they make a mess, and they bite. so when i saw my new little renter here to the right, the "live and let live" approach was simply not going to cut it. i went off to the gym and began formulating my plan to evict my new tenant, senorita arana mas fea.

i didn't have time tuesday morning to do anything, but i cast a nervous glance over to her web and saw that she was absent. i then noticed i'd left my car windows open. i looked around the car (paranoia, i know) and then nervously hopped in, vowing that something had to be done quickly.

tuesday evening was shot so wednesday morning i snapped the foto. after 2 snaps she was on to me and snuck into the box. game on, sister. i hatched my first plan at this point, which was to drop the phone book on her. a vestige of the pre-internet days, i figured it was as good a use as any for the tome and heavy enough to squish her nicely. i left for jury duty and work.

now that evening i was to catch up with my longtime pal chuck who lived in bursely hall with me my freshman year. he is a man of obscure knowledge and considerable skill-- everything from piloting a helicopter and building small aircraft to scuba and sky diving. while chuck and i were figuring out where to go for drinks and dinner, i asked him if he wanted to see a freakin' huge black widow. he immediately replied that he has a bunch of them at his place too, but complied and check it out with me.

chuck: "yeah, she's pretty big"
me: "sorta freaky huh?"
chuck: "want to get rid of her?"
me: "yes! what are you thinking?"
(at this point, i realized how silly my phone book plan sounded)
chuck: "do you have some WD-40 and a lighter?"
(cue the a-team music)
me: "i think so, let's check"
(grabbing lighter, looking for wd-40 can...)
me: "will this work? it says 'highly flammable'"?
(chuck tested it and it produced an impressive burst of flames)
chuck: "here we go..."

chuck dispensed a stream of industrial lubricant sponsored hell-fire at the super spider and she instinctively did the arachnid equivalent of a stop, drop and roll. he promptly stomped her with his boot and left a long squishy mark of spider guts on the garage floor. done deal.

maybe some day when global warming has claimed the polar bears and penguins which are somehow tied to black widow spiders in an intricate butterfly effect that would make national geographic proud i will mourn the loss of these poisonous little beasts. until then, i'm going to keep my car windows closed in the garage and a can of spray lubricant in the garage.


B. as in bri said...

that's hilarious, bro. i'm guessing the exact same result would have been realized sans wd40, but adding the preheat before the stomp is much more entertaining.

Dorian said...

dude, you put a lot of tactical thought into killing that spider. On one hand I am impressed with your forethought... but my hunter/gatherer side says you should've stepped on it when you first saw it. :)

dc said...

d, if i would have tried to step on the spider, she would have scrambled back in here little lair. she was an agile, cold-blooded killer! only well-placed streaming flames from fluorocarbons were going to put her in her place :)